(no subject)

[postitnotes]

I spent most of today digging up whatever bits and pieces of information I could gather after finding out his father's name. Needless to say, my own understanding and beliefs of him were entirely ripped apart. His father, at least, is just extremely qualified and comes off as intelligent. So honestly, who would have seen that coming - especially his background and where he grew up. Like I honestly would have known that St. Louis, Missouri would figure so prominently in his life. And just reading all of that, as basic information as it is, was just a serious hit that brought me back to earth.

I guess for me, it just entirely reinforced the imagination concept that I've been toying with and hasn't really set in until now. And at this point it's just seriously preventing me from even taking an interest in him, as much as I still want too... but I think I've finally accepted that I'm willing to take an interest but as myself. I've had it with putting on a fake persona and I'm going to do my best to curb it.

I've meant to really post my thoughts more and more, but it just seems I keep procrastinating on such a small thing as well and instead choose to keep them bolted up inside. I'm okay with... being myself I suppose, provided I can associate myself with an identity that works. Right now, I'm torn between representing Zoey, Rei, or Teagenn. Teagenn's name amuses me, mainly because I'm spelling it awkwardly on purpose, but I think it's nice. She comes off as the middleman between Rei and Zoey, who are both epitomes of the respective type.

I started off with the talking less, and just not really having much to say, and I'm hoping he can honestly pick up his interest in gaming a bit more so I have someone to compete against and really just talk to. I think that I'm satisfied with dropping it entirely, putting it back into the closet and working more towards the person I would honestly like to be.