(no subject)
Aug. 14th, 2010 12:25 am I wish I could have had everything. I'm sitting here right now and the only thing on my mind is the sudden realization that I'm feeling kind of crappy and I just want to hug him and tell him I love him.
God personal struggles are the fucking worst.
... I just don't. Why couldn't we have something better.
God personal struggles are the fucking worst.
... I just don't. Why couldn't we have something better.
where did i go wrong i lost a friend
Jun. 27th, 2010 11:05 pmI haven't written down my thoughts in a while, namely because I've been keeping the inside of me for the most part. I realize for the most part it makes me hectic, confused, and overall it doesn't help much.
I know I'm slowly letting go of him, and that was the first step I managed, coming over that addiction. Now I suppose it's time to handle the one nearest and dearest to me - just leaving the one person whose life I have fucked up beyond belief.
Talking to him less and less is basically taking all of my self control and I'm fighting to keep myself sane, to really be myself. I know I took the smallest step really and its a start, but I need to just keep pushing myself further.
I know I'm slowly letting go of him, and that was the first step I managed, coming over that addiction. Now I suppose it's time to handle the one nearest and dearest to me - just leaving the one person whose life I have fucked up beyond belief.
Talking to him less and less is basically taking all of my self control and I'm fighting to keep myself sane, to really be myself. I know I took the smallest step really and its a start, but I need to just keep pushing myself further.
(no subject)
Jun. 6th, 2010 01:21 amI spent most of today digging up whatever bits and pieces of information I could gather after finding out his father's name. Needless to say, my own understanding and beliefs of him were entirely ripped apart. His father, at least, is just extremely qualified and comes off as intelligent. So honestly, who would have seen that coming - especially his background and where he grew up. Like I honestly would have known that St. Louis, Missouri would figure so prominently in his life. And just reading all of that, as basic information as it is, was just a serious hit that brought me back to earth.
I guess for me, it just entirely reinforced the imagination concept that I've been toying with and hasn't really set in until now. And at this point it's just seriously preventing me from even taking an interest in him, as much as I still want too... but I think I've finally accepted that I'm willing to take an interest but as myself. I've had it with putting on a fake persona and I'm going to do my best to curb it.
I've meant to really post my thoughts more and more, but it just seems I keep procrastinating on such a small thing as well and instead choose to keep them bolted up inside. I'm okay with... being myself I suppose, provided I can associate myself with an identity that works. Right now, I'm torn between representing Zoey, Rei, or Teagenn. Teagenn's name amuses me, mainly because I'm spelling it awkwardly on purpose, but I think it's nice. She comes off as the middleman between Rei and Zoey, who are both epitomes of the respective type.
I started off with the talking less, and just not really having much to say, and I'm hoping he can honestly pick up his interest in gaming a bit more so I have someone to compete against and really just talk to. I think that I'm satisfied with dropping it entirely, putting it back into the closet and working more towards the person I would honestly like to be.
I guess for me, it just entirely reinforced the imagination concept that I've been toying with and hasn't really set in until now. And at this point it's just seriously preventing me from even taking an interest in him, as much as I still want too... but I think I've finally accepted that I'm willing to take an interest but as myself. I've had it with putting on a fake persona and I'm going to do my best to curb it.
I've meant to really post my thoughts more and more, but it just seems I keep procrastinating on such a small thing as well and instead choose to keep them bolted up inside. I'm okay with... being myself I suppose, provided I can associate myself with an identity that works. Right now, I'm torn between representing Zoey, Rei, or Teagenn. Teagenn's name amuses me, mainly because I'm spelling it awkwardly on purpose, but I think it's nice. She comes off as the middleman between Rei and Zoey, who are both epitomes of the respective type.
I started off with the talking less, and just not really having much to say, and I'm hoping he can honestly pick up his interest in gaming a bit more so I have someone to compete against and really just talk to. I think that I'm satisfied with dropping it entirely, putting it back into the closet and working more towards the person I would honestly like to be.
(no subject)
May. 11th, 2010 12:01 amI told myself I would start writing more because keeping my emotions pent up wasn't doing me any good, and I wasn't putting myself in a position where I would be satisfied with who I am. For the past two, three years, I haven't felt myself at all. I think back to the type of person I was in high school, and I honestly realize that I can't find myself again and I don't even remember what that felt like to me. Isn't that sad -- I can't remember who I was, just that I felt good about myself back then. I felt like I honestly belonged.
I find myself having problems getting started on the writing again. I'll just stare and stare at the document, or entry page and hours will pass before I'm motivated enough to write, that is if I honestly do choose to write. More often than not, I'll exit out and keep my thoughts concealed, consistently swirling around and dragging me down into the depths once again.
I wonder if this reflects on my reading, but I don't think the two necessarily correlate. I found myself having trouble looking for books that interested me well before my fall from grace, but I hope that I can immerse myself once again in order to seek the comforting solitude I have yet to experience again.
I looked around today for books, but I realized the best book I wanted to read was one I had yet to write. I suppose I should try to write it, but the prospect of putting together something when I lack the ability to write and express myself altogether... it's just never going to happen.
I want to be able to move past him, but something keeps holding me back. I can't tell him the truth, how I feel, and whatnot.
And now I find myself giving up on writing, but that's what happens when I stop to just lie down and stare up at the ceiling.
I find myself having problems getting started on the writing again. I'll just stare and stare at the document, or entry page and hours will pass before I'm motivated enough to write, that is if I honestly do choose to write. More often than not, I'll exit out and keep my thoughts concealed, consistently swirling around and dragging me down into the depths once again.
I wonder if this reflects on my reading, but I don't think the two necessarily correlate. I found myself having trouble looking for books that interested me well before my fall from grace, but I hope that I can immerse myself once again in order to seek the comforting solitude I have yet to experience again.
I looked around today for books, but I realized the best book I wanted to read was one I had yet to write. I suppose I should try to write it, but the prospect of putting together something when I lack the ability to write and express myself altogether... it's just never going to happen.
I want to be able to move past him, but something keeps holding me back. I can't tell him the truth, how I feel, and whatnot.
And now I find myself giving up on writing, but that's what happens when I stop to just lie down and stare up at the ceiling.
(no subject)
May. 5th, 2010 03:40 pmI'm not quite sure why that bothers me so extensively, that he comes off as more upbeat and nicer among his friends, and I chose the cynical, egotistic route. I really need to put an end to this, and I can't keep going on, pretending things are alright. I think I royally screwed up - after all, I don't know him anymore, and despite my initial hesitations of watching Joe fall apart, it is all I can think about on a regular basis. I can't keep doing this, pretending there is nothing eating away at me so deeply.
Basically, I've presented a personally and a self that accurately represents who I am (I'd say approximately 90%) and if I give that off, it would seem rather suspicious.
I just want to go back in time.
Basically, I've presented a personally and a self that accurately represents who I am (I'd say approximately 90%) and if I give that off, it would seem rather suspicious.
I just want to go back in time.
(no subject)
Apr. 30th, 2010 01:29 pmCan you start to feel it - the trouble and pressure from maintaining this relationship that you have, one that clearly isn't working out in the slightest. When all you want is to see him face to face, tell him the truth about the kind of person he is and love him despite all of his faults he can't conceal. Is it hard dealing with that rejection, knowing he's the perfect person for you, yet you're not the perfect person for him? And when you wonder how he feels, thinking all of this to be real, believing he has someone to care for unaware it's all entirely a lie that will never come undone, either he'll be left wondering what became of his lover or the dejection of reality, screwing him up all the more, knowing he can't deal with it -- you already saw a glimpse of that, and you wonder, just how screwed up would he actually be.
(no subject)
Apr. 23rd, 2010 11:10 pmI wrote a lot about my variations in thoughts and dreams today, but I don't feel like copying those down to here. I told myself I would try to keep my ideas concise and in a single area, as to avoid keeping them scattered like the type of person that I am, but I guess its hard to contain yourself with so many thoughts. Not like they're all different - they're just variations of my current feeling.
I started putting a bit of happiness into Rei, I can honestly see her kind of varying in the person she is, dark secrets, but an ideal personality and outlook.
I wanted to write more, but I guess I'm starting to fall asleep though.
I started putting a bit of happiness into Rei, I can honestly see her kind of varying in the person she is, dark secrets, but an ideal personality and outlook.
I wanted to write more, but I guess I'm starting to fall asleep though.
(no subject)
Apr. 22nd, 2010 09:19 pmThings I've been into as of late:
It is a day to day struggle for me to keep my normalcy, but I think if I slowly try I can get somewhere where I'll be satisfied with myself. Do what you like, like what you do.
I still would like to be able to write in regards to Rei, but I feel that as my mood and feelings deteriorate, her personality follows suit and before long I'll have her reduced to shreds.
I'm also trying to overcome my sexual interest, whereby I keep daydreaming about fooling around. This is something that is genuinely getting to my nerves and I would like to go back to the type of person I was when I was, quite literally, asexual. Like a bacteria.
I need to start writing again, press my feelings and musings into Antithesis, and also work on Shadow Heartless. I'm so excited about implementing button eyes on that, but I haven't even stuffed him yet, and this needs to be done.
- Pokemon
- Bones
- Glee
- Independent Music
It is a day to day struggle for me to keep my normalcy, but I think if I slowly try I can get somewhere where I'll be satisfied with myself. Do what you like, like what you do.
I still would like to be able to write in regards to Rei, but I feel that as my mood and feelings deteriorate, her personality follows suit and before long I'll have her reduced to shreds.
I'm also trying to overcome my sexual interest, whereby I keep daydreaming about fooling around. This is something that is genuinely getting to my nerves and I would like to go back to the type of person I was when I was, quite literally, asexual. Like a bacteria.
I need to start writing again, press my feelings and musings into Antithesis, and also work on Shadow Heartless. I'm so excited about implementing button eyes on that, but I haven't even stuffed him yet, and this needs to be done.
(no subject)
Apr. 22nd, 2010 01:11 pmI haven't really done much thinking in regards to myself lately, but one can only hope that's sincerely a good thing. I feel like I'm learning to cope in regards to how I think and act, but it's a constant struggle to maintain a sense of neutrality that I would really like to express. I think I'm okay with learning to adapt to apathy, but there's always those fleeting moments that strike back and irritate you when it hurts the most.
I'm glad I don't have to face the same problems as he does, or rather I should say my alter ego, haha. A little bit of courage to stand up, or just saying no in the first place... I should have trusted myself to say no when I wanted to, but like my brother, the two of us are just too eager to please, too willing to make others happy. I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus solely on the ability to make my own decisions and hold no regrets.
I'm still going to fight to win him, at least make friends because I know I can go from there so easily, but that first step is always the hardest. Maybe in this quest, I can learn to find myself in a way that I can finally be satisfied with instead of resorting to seeking out a fake identity. I am quite comfortable with who I can be - I've shown myself that, just the matter of revealing myself in my entirety is what holds me back. I think I shouldn't be afraid of who I am, and I shouldn't be afraid to be who I want. Cause when I tried being myself, I gave off a personality that entirely wasn't me in the slightest - too effeminate for my likes. People tend to see the masculine side and they expect someone of that gender however, and obviously I don't fulfill that.
In my thoughts, I know I can give off that persona that I am, but making it a reality is harder than it should be.
I'm glad I don't have to face the same problems as he does, or rather I should say my alter ego, haha. A little bit of courage to stand up, or just saying no in the first place... I should have trusted myself to say no when I wanted to, but like my brother, the two of us are just too eager to please, too willing to make others happy. I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus solely on the ability to make my own decisions and hold no regrets.
I'm still going to fight to win him, at least make friends because I know I can go from there so easily, but that first step is always the hardest. Maybe in this quest, I can learn to find myself in a way that I can finally be satisfied with instead of resorting to seeking out a fake identity. I am quite comfortable with who I can be - I've shown myself that, just the matter of revealing myself in my entirety is what holds me back. I think I shouldn't be afraid of who I am, and I shouldn't be afraid to be who I want. Cause when I tried being myself, I gave off a personality that entirely wasn't me in the slightest - too effeminate for my likes. People tend to see the masculine side and they expect someone of that gender however, and obviously I don't fulfill that.
In my thoughts, I know I can give off that persona that I am, but making it a reality is harder than it should be.
(no subject)
Apr. 22nd, 2010 12:01 amI reread the entries from all my past journals, just trying to make sense of myself. I know my personality and mood swings change every day, or rather every minute for the most part, but you can tell the first one is when I'm still head over heels over that one man. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I lost my chance to meet my soul mate.
Like I said back on![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marionette:
I've accepted that I've been unhappy for quite a while, and I think I'm finally okay with it. I just need to learn to camouflage myself so I can pass through the world unnoticed and hope that I can stop noticing the things that affect me the most. Basically fit in without being noticed - that one person who is always there and yet never here.
A mindless, emotionless zombie, with things to say, but passes through and remains myself, no identity, no personal feelings attached.
Like I said back on
marionette: It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage.I suppose its just a matter of learning to cope with the fact that I have lost out on my one chance. I know I can still see some redemption, or a fleeting chance, but the probability of that occurring are extremely slim to none. I'm not really going to give up hope - I've decided that.
I've accepted that I've been unhappy for quite a while, and I think I'm finally okay with it. I just need to learn to camouflage myself so I can pass through the world unnoticed and hope that I can stop noticing the things that affect me the most. Basically fit in without being noticed - that one person who is always there and yet never here.
A mindless, emotionless zombie, with things to say, but passes through and remains myself, no identity, no personal feelings attached.
(no subject)
Apr. 21st, 2010 12:14 pmHopefully I can manage to actually KEEP a dreamwidth intact. Went from beezy to marionette to squeegee to fizzsticks to ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
antithesis and now currently this. It's not really a matter of updating, but rather the journal name that I'm so determined to keep. I'm not quite sure why I'm so bothered by that all the time, maybe its just a shallow personality reflection, where I can't find myself and need to use a new name until I can get one that fits, but the problem is, it rarely, if ever does fit. Maybe I should stop stressing and learn to deal with it. I like antithesis though, so might actually go back to that, but... the indecisiveness is just starting to get to me. What is it about the name that is so frustrating I can't find myself sticking to just a single one?
beezy to marionette to squeegee to fizzsticks to antithesis and now currently this. It's not really a matter of updating, but rather the journal name that I'm so determined to keep. I'm not quite sure why I'm so bothered by that all the time, maybe its just a shallow personality reflection, where I can't find myself and need to use a new name until I can get one that fits, but the problem is, it rarely, if ever does fit. Maybe I should stop stressing and learn to deal with it. I like antithesis though, so might actually go back to that, but... the indecisiveness is just starting to get to me. What is it about the name that is so frustrating I can't find myself sticking to just a single one?
