I wish I could have had everything. I'm sitting here right now and the only thing on my mind is the sudden realization that I'm feeling kind of crappy and I just want to hug him and tell him I love him.

God personal struggles are the fucking worst.

... I just don't. Why couldn't we have something better.

I spent most of today digging up whatever bits and pieces of information I could gather after finding out his father's name. Needless to say, my own understanding and beliefs of him were entirely ripped apart. His father, at least, is just extremely qualified and comes off as intelligent. So honestly, who would have seen that coming - especially his background and where he grew up. Like I honestly would have known that St. Louis, Missouri would figure so prominently in his life. And just reading all of that, as basic information as it is, was just a serious hit that brought me back to earth.

I guess for me, it just entirely reinforced the imagination concept that I've been toying with and hasn't really set in until now. And at this point it's just seriously preventing me from even taking an interest in him, as much as I still want too... but I think I've finally accepted that I'm willing to take an interest but as myself. I've had it with putting on a fake persona and I'm going to do my best to curb it.

I've meant to really post my thoughts more and more, but it just seems I keep procrastinating on such a small thing as well and instead choose to keep them bolted up inside. I'm okay with... being myself I suppose, provided I can associate myself with an identity that works. Right now, I'm torn between representing Zoey, Rei, or Teagenn. Teagenn's name amuses me, mainly because I'm spelling it awkwardly on purpose, but I think it's nice. She comes off as the middleman between Rei and Zoey, who are both epitomes of the respective type.

I started off with the talking less, and just not really having much to say, and I'm hoping he can honestly pick up his interest in gaming a bit more so I have someone to compete against and really just talk to. I think that I'm satisfied with dropping it entirely, putting it back into the closet and working more towards the person I would honestly like to be.

I've been constantly thinking about the last topic I wrote about and I feel like since then my mood's been deteriorating and I'm falling apart at the seams.

Can you start to feel it - the trouble and pressure from maintaining this relationship that you have, one that clearly isn't working out in the slightest. When all you want is to see him face to face, tell him the truth about the kind of person he is and love him despite all of his faults he can't conceal. Is it hard dealing with that rejection, knowing he's the perfect person for you, yet you're not the perfect person for him? And when you wonder how he feels, thinking all of this to be real, believing he has someone to care for unaware it's all entirely a lie that will never come undone, either he'll be left wondering what became of his lover or the dejection of reality, screwing him up all the more, knowing he can't deal with it -- you already saw a glimpse of that, and you wonder, just how screwed up would he actually be.

 I am at a total loss of words now. I just don't even know what to talk about, what new things to discuss.

Things I've been into as of late:

• Pokemon
• Bones
• Glee
• Independent Music

I know its not a broad list, but I'm looking to get back into DOGS, Saiyuki, Loveless, and Final Fantasy VIII. Hopefully I can somewhat move out of the anime mainstream as well and into a finer select taste. I still would like to find myself, try to flesh out the persona that I want to express. 

It is a day to day struggle for me to keep my normalcy, but I think if I slowly try I can get somewhere where I'll be satisfied with myself. Do what you like, like what you do.

I still would like to be able to write in regards to Rei, but I feel that as my mood and feelings deteriorate, her personality follows suit and before long I'll have her reduced to shreds.

I'm also trying to overcome my sexual interest, whereby I keep daydreaming about fooling around. This is something that is genuinely getting to my nerves and I would like to go back to the type of person I was when I was, quite literally, asexual. Like a bacteria.

I need to start writing again, press my feelings and musings into Antithesis, and also work on Shadow Heartless. I'm so excited about implementing button eyes on that, but I haven't even stuffed him yet, and this needs to be done.

I reread the entries from all my past journals, just trying to make sense of myself. I know my personality and mood swings change every day, or rather every minute for the most part, but you can tell the first one is when I'm still head over heels over that one man. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I lost my chance to meet my soul mate.

Like I said back on marionette:

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage.

I suppose its just a matter of learning to cope with the fact that I have lost out on my one chance. I know I can still see some redemption, or a fleeting chance, but the probability of that occurring are extremely slim to none. I'm not really going to give up hope - I've decided that.

I've accepted that I've been unhappy for quite a while, and I think I'm finally okay with it. I just need to learn to camouflage myself so I can pass through the world unnoticed and hope that I can stop noticing the things that affect me the most. Basically fit in without being noticed - that one person who is always there and yet never here.

A mindless, emotionless zombie, with things to say, but passes through and remains myself, no identity, no personal feelings attached.