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Apr. 22nd, 2010 01:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
postitnotesI haven't really done much thinking in regards to myself lately, but one can only hope that's sincerely a good thing. I feel like I'm learning to cope in regards to how I think and act, but it's a constant struggle to maintain a sense of neutrality that I would really like to express. I think I'm okay with learning to adapt to apathy, but there's always those fleeting moments that strike back and irritate you when it hurts the most.
I'm glad I don't have to face the same problems as he does, or rather I should say my alter ego, haha. A little bit of courage to stand up, or just saying no in the first place... I should have trusted myself to say no when I wanted to, but like my brother, the two of us are just too eager to please, too willing to make others happy. I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus solely on the ability to make my own decisions and hold no regrets.
I'm still going to fight to win him, at least make friends because I know I can go from there so easily, but that first step is always the hardest. Maybe in this quest, I can learn to find myself in a way that I can finally be satisfied with instead of resorting to seeking out a fake identity. I am quite comfortable with who I can be - I've shown myself that, just the matter of revealing myself in my entirety is what holds me back. I think I shouldn't be afraid of who I am, and I shouldn't be afraid to be who I want. Cause when I tried being myself, I gave off a personality that entirely wasn't me in the slightest - too effeminate for my likes. People tend to see the masculine side and they expect someone of that gender however, and obviously I don't fulfill that.
In my thoughts, I know I can give off that persona that I am, but making it a reality is harder than it should be.
I'm glad I don't have to face the same problems as he does, or rather I should say my alter ego, haha. A little bit of courage to stand up, or just saying no in the first place... I should have trusted myself to say no when I wanted to, but like my brother, the two of us are just too eager to please, too willing to make others happy. I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus solely on the ability to make my own decisions and hold no regrets.
I'm still going to fight to win him, at least make friends because I know I can go from there so easily, but that first step is always the hardest. Maybe in this quest, I can learn to find myself in a way that I can finally be satisfied with instead of resorting to seeking out a fake identity. I am quite comfortable with who I can be - I've shown myself that, just the matter of revealing myself in my entirety is what holds me back. I think I shouldn't be afraid of who I am, and I shouldn't be afraid to be who I want. Cause when I tried being myself, I gave off a personality that entirely wasn't me in the slightest - too effeminate for my likes. People tend to see the masculine side and they expect someone of that gender however, and obviously I don't fulfill that.
In my thoughts, I know I can give off that persona that I am, but making it a reality is harder than it should be.
