(no subject)

I reread the entries from all my past journals, just trying to make sense of myself. I know my personality and mood swings change every day, or rather every minute for the most part, but you can tell the first one is when I'm still head over heels over that one man. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I lost my chance to meet my soul mate.

Like I said back on marionette:

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage.

I suppose its just a matter of learning to cope with the fact that I have lost out on my one chance. I know I can still see some redemption, or a fleeting chance, but the probability of that occurring are extremely slim to none. I'm not really going to give up hope - I've decided that.

I've accepted that I've been unhappy for quite a while, and I think I'm finally okay with it. I just need to learn to camouflage myself so I can pass through the world unnoticed and hope that I can stop noticing the things that affect me the most. Basically fit in without being noticed - that one person who is always there and yet never here.

A mindless, emotionless zombie, with things to say, but passes through and remains myself, no identity, no personal feelings attached.

(no subject)

I haven't really done much thinking in regards to myself lately, but one can only hope that's sincerely a good thing. I feel like I'm learning to cope in regards to how I think and act, but it's a constant struggle to maintain a sense of neutrality that I would really like to express. I think I'm okay with learning to adapt to apathy, but there's always those fleeting moments that strike back and irritate you when it hurts the most.

I'm glad I don't have to face the same problems as he does, or rather I should say my alter ego, haha. A little bit of courage to stand up, or just saying no in the first place... I should have trusted myself to say no when I wanted to, but like my brother, the two of us are just too eager to please, too willing to make others happy. I need to stop worrying about what others think and focus solely on the ability to make my own decisions and hold no regrets.

I'm still going to fight to win him, at least make friends because I know I can go from there so easily, but that first step is always the hardest. Maybe in this quest, I can learn to find myself in a way that I can finally be satisfied with instead of resorting to seeking out a fake identity. I am quite comfortable with who I can be - I've shown myself that, just the matter of revealing myself in my entirety is what holds me back. I think I shouldn't be afraid of who I am, and I shouldn't be afraid to be who I want. Cause when I tried being myself, I gave off a personality that entirely wasn't me in the slightest - too effeminate for my likes. People tend to see the masculine side and they expect someone of that gender however, and obviously I don't fulfill that.

In my thoughts, I know I can give off that persona that I am, but making it a reality is harder than it should be.

(no subject)

Things I've been into as of late:

• Pokemon
• Bones
• Glee
• Independent Music

I know its not a broad list, but I'm looking to get back into DOGS, Saiyuki, Loveless, and Final Fantasy VIII. Hopefully I can somewhat move out of the anime mainstream as well and into a finer select taste. I still would like to find myself, try to flesh out the persona that I want to express. 

It is a day to day struggle for me to keep my normalcy, but I think if I slowly try I can get somewhere where I'll be satisfied with myself. Do what you like, like what you do.

I still would like to be able to write in regards to Rei, but I feel that as my mood and feelings deteriorate, her personality follows suit and before long I'll have her reduced to shreds.

I'm also trying to overcome my sexual interest, whereby I keep daydreaming about fooling around. This is something that is genuinely getting to my nerves and I would like to go back to the type of person I was when I was, quite literally, asexual. Like a bacteria.

I need to start writing again, press my feelings and musings into Antithesis, and also work on Shadow Heartless. I'm so excited about implementing button eyes on that, but I haven't even stuffed him yet, and this needs to be done.